you were in a dream i just had. i can’t remember anything about the dream except that you were in it. does that make it a dream about you?
is making things within me move that i really wish would just stay still
they are who i wish for tonight
i think i would be crying. but you’re not, so the tears sit heavy beneath my skin.
I write because I really don’t feel like writing and if there’s to be any hope that this blog won’t peter out like the forefathers before it then I should probably learn how to write through laziness and un-desire. Tonight’s un-desire is, I think, born from the persistent feeling of fomo that I haven’t been able to shake off since I graduated from college a week ago. I feel often like I’ve done college wrong somehow– like I should have done more and differently (or maybe less and differently?). I’ve spent the last hour or so binge downloading syllabi from classes I wish I had taken from professors I wish I had gotten to know before my access to the portal is officially rescinded. I’ll probably never look at most of them beyond a skim, and almost certainly won’t dedicate a reading regime to following them through, but knowing they are sitting in my hard drive somewhere helps to offset the fomo in a small way–that this superior education that I fear I missed out on is still available to me, at least technically. Small and silly measures. Terrible thing this fomo business.
My hope is for this blog to be a repository for thoughts that chase themselves around my head, in an attempt to be more attentive to the paths they follow, and in an effort to render them into some kind of coherence. Although I don’t plan on making this blog private, I also don’t have any desire, for the moment, to share vccn with anyone. I’m thinking that perhaps writing to the amorphous public might circumvent issues around my sloppiness when writing to nobody as well as my self-consciousness when writing to somebodies. Let’s see how it goes.